Why Our Kids Don’t Need a Tour Guide, They Need a Compass
There’s a moment in parenting (or teaching, or mentoring, or aunt-ing) when you realize something huge: You can’t actually lead them, not forever, anyway.
Sure, you can show them, you can tell them, you can light the way, build the scaffolding, pack the snacks, and label all the folders, but at the end of the day, they are the ones who have to do the walking. They are the ones who get to decide who they are and who they’re becoming, and the older they get, the harder this truth hits.
The Urge to Lead
When my kids were little, it was easy to lead. You pick their shoes, you plan their lunch, you decide what kind of sunscreen they’re allowed to wear and how many goldfish crackers are “enough,” but as they grow, oh, man, the water gets murkier.
Now we’re in a stage where the world is loud, fast, and full of opinions, and our kids are trying to find their place in all of it. They’re looking at us not just for rules or routines, but for tools.
They don’t need a puppet master or a commander; they need a steady hand beside them, not in front of them.
Guiding Without Gripping
It’s a balance, right? We want to protect them without over-controlling. We want to offer wisdom without forcing choices. We want to give them confidence without bulldozing the path ahead.
I’ve learned that the more I “do” for them, the less they flex the muscles that matter:
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Critical thinking
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Resilience
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Self-advocacy
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Discernment
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Confidence in their voice, even when it trembles
Guiding means asking better questions, not giving perfect answers. It means holding space instead of holding control. It means trusting that when they fall, they’ll get back up and know they’re not alone.
What They Really Need
Here’s what I think our kids need most as they grow up:
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A place to say, “I’m not sure,” and not be judged for it.
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Adults who model humanness, not perfection.
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Tools to process hard feelings, without being rushed to feel better.
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Stories that remind them they’re not weird or broken.
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Boundaries that are firm, but kind.
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Conversations that stay open, even when they mess up.
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A reminder that growing up isn’t a performance, it’s a practice.
When It Gets Messy
There will be seasons (and if you’re in one right now, hey, solidarity) when guiding feels impossible.
When your kid won’t talk, or they talk too much, and none of it makes sense. When they make choices that make your stomach drop. When you start to wonder, “Am I doing any of this right?”
Those are the moments that require the most grace. Not just for them, but for you, because this isn’t a straight line or a perfect science.
Sometimes guiding means standing quietly at the door and letting them stumble through the hallway. Sometimes it means offering the flashlight and letting them pick the direction. Sometimes it means biting your tongue when every fiber of your being wants to say, “I told you so.” Sometimes, guiding means circling back, again and again, to remind them that mistakes don’t outweigh worth.
A Little Tool Kit (That Isn’t Pinterest-Perfect)
I’ve started thinking of this stage of parenting, these in-between years, as the “tool kit” years. Not because we’re fixing our kids (we’re not), but because we’re equipping them.
Some of my favorite tools I’ve used and have been using lately:
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A notebook where they can write or doodle without anyone reading it.
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A “mantra of the month,” we say together on hard mornings.
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Sticky notes on their mirror that don’t say “you’re pretty” but say things like, “You’re allowed to take up space” or “Messy doesn’t mean broken.”
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Questions like: “Tell me about something you’re proud of” or “What’s one thing you wish adults understood better?”
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A rule that feelings are welcome at the table, even the ugly, awkward, inconvenient ones.
Are any of these revolutionary? Probably not, but they’re real and they work for us. They give my kids (and me) something to hold onto when everything else feels kind of wobbly.
One More Thing...
In a few days, I’ll be sharing a project I’ve been quietly working on for about a year. It’s called The True Me Project, and it’s a series rooted in the exact idea: what if we gave kids the tools to know themselves better, instead of just telling them what to be?
It’s not about fixing or forcing. It’s about reflection, curiosity, and choosing who you are, even when the world is loud.
More soon, but until then, remember this: You’re not failing if you don’t have all the answers. You’re guiding, and that, my friend, is everything.